Sibling Rivalry & Conflict - from Coalition Connection newsletter

As we refrain from leaving our homes in order to stay physically healthy, we, as parents, need to be emotionally prepared to deal with tensions that may arise from being in such close contact with our families for weeks on end. In addition to not leaving the house for our jobs or school, we have all temporarily lost the freedom to spend time doing what we enjoy outside the house, whether that be sports, the arts, or just hanging out with friends. This leads to boredom and stress. Children who have experienced loss and trauma may have emotions that are running higher than most. Dormant survival instincts may return and present themselves in behaviors such as yelling, blaming, or being confrontational with others.

Here are some tips to help reduce friction between family members and some additional resources to help you.

• Do your best to give each child in your home gets individual attention. Sometimes older children may seem less needy regarding adult attention, while younger children have no problem demanding it. Checking in with each child will help dispel jealousy and promote healthier sibling relationships. To make the check in meaningful, be sure to stop what you’re doing, be fully present, and listen.
• Model and promote open communication. Many children become less communicative as they get older, and those who were adopted or are currently in foster care may find it hard to verbalize their thoughts and feelings. To nurture more open communication, practice active listening and tune in to the emotional content of the children’s words and actions.
• Use this opportunity to teach emotional intelligence and negotiation skills. Make sure the kids know that it’s okay to spend time away from each other without taking it personally. At times you may need to direct them to spend time apart, but be sure to let them know that this time on their own is not a consequence or a punishment.
• Talk to kids about their fears and worries so they aren’t taking it out on each other. Arguing may be the only way they know to let out the anxiety that they are feeling inside.
• Be creative in finding a safe space for each sibling where they can be alone when they need to disconnect for a while. We understand that can be challenging in a smaller home or with shared bedrooms. You could have the children take turns using different rooms when they want to be alone. Perhaps you have a corner where you can set up a blanket fort or move some furniture to make a private space. Give each other room to breathe and the power to ask for that personal time when it’s needed.